Social Media

Dave:

Did you ever post anything on any of those websites where people you were at school with could contact you?

Travis:

I did once, but didn't really take it too seriously.


Travis's social media entry:

 I left town after I finished school and attempted to find myself. Unfortunately, I did not like what I saw. I was a 42 year old mother of six. Deeply disappointed, I changed my name and attempted to find my new self.

Upon starting my new quest, I was brutally assaulted by a shopkeeper as I purchased a 'How to Protect Yourself from Attack' booklet. The shopkeeper was never traced.


I subsequently discovered a talent for setting light to my farts. Armed with my new found skill I set off for the Big City where I spent three months in hospital suffering from third degree burns.

While studying the ring of fire I got mixed up with the wrong crowd. I had intended to join a group of Pacifists, but accidentally joined the Young Conservatives instead. When they discovered I had scruples I was beaten severely.

I eventually joined the Pacifists, who renounced violence in all it's forms, but was punched in the face by a man who thought he should be the leader as he was the most peaceful man he knew and objected when I suggested otherwise.

Claiming to have been suffering from an acute bout of Alzheimer's, he later attempted to cure himself and died hanging from a meat hook.

I accidentally married a woman I have still not met. We later separated, as she wasn't who I thought she was. I thought she was a woman.  

I discovered my wife was a sixteen stone male bouncer, who made a living out of duping gullible men. I had to laugh at the thought of those poor bastards being taken in like that. When I said I was going to stop the alimony payments immediately, she quoted the wedding contract which stated that I had to continue to pay her alimony, even if It was subsequently discovered that she was a sixteen stone male bouncer who made a living out of duping gullible men.

In retrospect, I probably should have objected to the clause being added in the first place.

When I found out, I was delirious, so I didn't care. A stage hypnotist cured my delirium; but now I sometimes believe I am a chicken.

At the age of thirty I was informed that I had an identical twin brother. We arranged to meet in a pub, but I failed to recognise him.

I spent a number of years bouncing up and down the country in search of gainful employment. I couldn't afford a car.

Jobless and broke, I forged a new career pissing in the wind, after being told I had more chance of success doing that than finding a regular job. I'm constantly aiming higher. I know I will be able to taste success soon!


Dave:

You really didn't want to be contacted, did you?


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Travis and Dave are the stars of 'Beer Goggles', available only on Amazon kindle.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Beer-Goggles-ebook/dp/B008ZF5SOU